“God…are you trying to tell me something?”

Just to give everyone an update…I STILL have not talked to Dr. Ahlering…almost a week after our scheduled call and nothing! He sent me an e-mail the morning after we were supposed to talk (Wednesday) that just said “we’ll talk today.” Phew, a big sigh of relief I thought…only to wait all day…taking my phone everywhere with me…checking it constantly like a teenage girl waiting for a boy to call…until finally about 6 PM…I knew I wasn’t going to talk to him today either. Trying to remain calm, I sent him an e-mail Thursday morning asking if he thinks he’ll have a chance to squeeze in a call with me today…and if not could he please at the very least tell me if there are any major findings in our tests and if we qualify for the low stim protocol. But all I got was more silence…nothing…not an e-mail or a call…or anything. At this point, I really have started to give up hope. I talked to someone at the front desk of his office on Friday that filled me in on the fact that he was on vacation. I didn’t ask when he left for vacation or when he was coming back…I mean I was trying to act aloof…like it’s no big deal…even though I’m shouting obscenities on the inside *grin*. She kindly offered to e-mail him and find out when he was planning to call me…and she would call me back when he responded, but once again I have yet to hear back. Looks like he isn’t replying to his staff either! So, at this point I’m thinking maybe this is the sign I’ve been praying for…maybe this is God’s way of saying that this isn’t the place for us. I mean, my gut reaction from my first meeting with him was that our styles did not mesh well. He was multi-tasking during the entire meeting shuffling through papers, sending me an e-mail with the information that we were discussing, etc…and it was obvious he had not taken the time to review any of our information in advance. I ignored the nagging feeling though and just kept thinking “well if we qualify for the low stim who cares if we get along, right?” But now I’m thinking maybe I should have paid closer attention to my intuition…maybe we are meant to stay with Dr. Pearlstone…maybe we are supposed to have this surgery in a few short weeks and then try chlomid and IUI’s a few more times. Maybe this is God’s way of saying that this is the right path for us! So for now I’m going to have faith that it is…and find peace that I haven’t heard from Dr. Ahlering…because it really doesn’t matter anymore…I think we know what is the right next step for us.

It’s not just a phone call…it’s our future!

So picture this, yesterday I worked an early day at work (7-3:30) so I could get home in plenty of time to have my phone call with Dr. Ahlering at 5:30. I arrived home around 4:30 (after a quick detour to target to buy Confessions of a Shopaholic…in case I needed any cheering up after the call) and started doing things around the house because my nervous energy just couldn’t be quenched. Until finally, it was time! According to my clock it was 5:30. So I am sitting in the kitchen…pad and pen in one hand…cell phone in the other. Staring at the phone waiting and willing it to ring…and then it does…for a fleeting second…literally! Jason Mraz, on my ringtone, doesn’t even have time to get out a full word! So as you can probably imagine I’m a little panicky at this point…”oh no, what if it rang and rang on his end, but not on mine” and “what if he doesn’t call back”….I am trembling as all the scenarios flash through my head and I’m thinking this is not happening! I need this phone call…I’ve been waiting for it for almost a month now and I can’t wait any longer. This phone call was going to allow us to finally make the decision of where we go next. I have to talk to Dr. Ahlering now! So I wait a few more minutes and decide I’m going to call the office in hopes of actually reaching someone that can put me through to Dr. Ahlering. But of course no one answers…their office closes at 4 PM and it is now 5:38. So I hang up…and my phone instantly beeps at me like I did something wrong…and my heart sinks…”he called…while I was trying to call him…he called and left a message” and I just know., at this point, my worst fear has come true…I am not going to talk to Dr. Ahlering tonight…and who knows how long I’ll have to wait this time before I can. So I quickly check my voice mail to hear Dr. Ahlering explaining that he “thought we were supposed to chat today, but I guess we’ll just have to reschedule.” I call back immediately (from the number he called from…which I don’t think goes anywhere except directly to his voicemail) and leave a message…pleading him to please call me back…”I’m here! I’m waiting”…I almost shout into the phone. Then I send him an e-mail…begging him once again…letting him know what happened and that I really need to talk to him. But he never calls back. And I cry…not because of just missing a phone call, but because I have been waiting for THIS phone call for awhile…anxious about what we were going to find out, praying that it was going to give us some answers, wishing that we could finally close one chapter in this painful journey and hopefully move on to the next…the part where it finally happens! Where we begin our future…our family! So Dr. Ahlering if you’re out there…please call…I’m still waiting.

Two Timing

So as the title implies we are currently two timing our doctors. We are seeing two different RE's at the moment trying to determine where we go from here. With Dr. Pearlstone we are patiently waiting for our scheduled Hysteroscopy and Laparoscopy procedure on July 16th. And the plan after we complete the surgery is to move on to two more rounds of chlomid and IUI's…I mean it almost worked once, seems worthwhile to give it another go, right? But while we are waiting we decided to explore our options and paid a visit to Dr. Ahlering of the Sher institute about a month ago. Dr. Ahlering was kinda on the fence about what we could and couldn't do regarding his many IVF packages so he put us through a thorough round of tests. The IVF we are really hoping to qualify for with him is called the "low stimulus IVF." It is about 40% cheaper including the price of drugs! Who wouldn't want to qualify for that? So here we are a month later waiting to find out our test results and tonight is the night! I have a 5:30 telephone call scheduled with him and I have to admit I am kinda freaking out. What if he found additional issues? What if we don't qualify for the low stim protocol? What if we do qualify for the low stim…do we chuck all our plans to have the polyp removed and my tube all cleaned and shined up and proceed directly to IVF foregoing the chlomid/IUI cycles? I just don't know. Jacob and I have discussed it on several occasions…what we think the right next step is and I just really don't know. I mean the possibility of having the chlomid & IUI work is enticing. It would be a fraction of the cost of even the low stim IVF. But what if we do two more rounds and end up with a Big Fat Negative both times and have wasted 2-3 more months of this long drawn out journey? Or even worse what if we did chlomid again and did get pregnant, only to be heartbroken by another ectopic. We would once again be caught up in this waiting game…trying to dig ourselves out of the emotional and physical pit a tubal pregnancy carries along with it. Not that IVF takes our chances of ectopic to zero, but it does greatly reduce it…so that right there might be a reason to just move on…especially if we qualify. So keep the prayers coming that tonight we will find out good news and our decision will become clear of where we go next…so we can stop two timing the doctors and finally feel like we're moving forward again!

All about us

Jacob and I have been married for three lovely years. We originally met online (thank you e-harmony) and spent only 9 short months together before we knew we couldn't live without each other! Both being in our late 20's when we got married...me a little later in my 20's than him...hehe...he would be sure to mention that one if I hadn't :o) so there you go honey, anyway...because of the somewhat later start it was not long before we were ready to "officially" expand our family beyond the two of us. So we got a dog *smile* Not exactly what I meant, but it is true, shortly after our nuptials Tucker joined our family. And although Tucker is adorable and a wonderful cuddler, there was still something missing so we decided we were ready...we were going to start "trying to conceive." So as most couples likely do when that big decision is made and you’re ready for a family, you think that's it...it will happen right away. I mean for years our parents, teachers, etc. told us that if you look at a boy the wrong way there would be a stork on your doorstop nine quick months later. But as we soon learned this journey was not going to be a quick jaunt around the block. After over two years of trying, one ectopic pregnancy, and a multitude of bad news about our fertility chances this journey has been a long path with ups and downs at every turn! But one that has brought more tears and more laughter than we could have possibly experienced had our road been a different one. And the good news is that, God willing, I know that one day we will be a family...and although I don't know how we're going to get there, I do know we're going to get there together!