And just like that our baby was gone...

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to start this post, my heart is so heavy and my body is so tired.  Last night was quite arguably one of the worst of all time.  It started with a terrible stomach bug and ended with a stay in the hospital and ultimately a miscarriage. It's hard to find the words to describe the wave of sorrow that is coursing through my body right now.  It's hard to understand why after going through so much effort to get pregnant and it actually working that it was all taken away so quickly.  It's  hard to see the plan that God has for us when life feels so unfair some times.  And I know it will get better, we've made it through this before and come out the other end stronger and better, but at this moment I can't seem to figure out how to turn off the tears and how to stop my heart from breaking over and over again.

So here are the details...without being too graphic hopefully.  Yesterday afternoon my stomach started hurting and I knew it was my turn to suffer through the nasty stomach bug Jacob & Autumn had just finished recovering from.  An hour later sure enough terrible stomach pains, throwing up, etc. had taken over my body.  It was such a violent bug...luckily you would get a little reprieve in between hurling sessions where the pain would subside and I could just lay and wait...willing another round not to come.  And since they both already had it, I knew it was quick and by morning all would be well.  With that in mind we did my shots early and I was headed to bed praying for some undisturbed sleep.  I was concerned all the stress this was putting on my body and that it may cause harm to the baby.  I told Jacob about my concern so he could calm my fears as he always does.  But as my words were literally still hanging heavy in the air, I started bleeding.  After saying a prayer and weighing our options we decided it was best to head to the hospital.  I had had some small spotting with Autumn, but this was not like that, this was bright red and it wasn't getting lighter...it was getting heavier.  Thankfully we have amazing friends here and Andi was able to come stay with a sleeping Autumn while we went to see what was going on.

When we got to the hospital of course the sickness was still in full force and I had to rush to the bathroom...trying to hold it together, but failing miserably.  Luckily they took us back to a room quickly...but that was the only thing quick that night.  When I described what was happening to the doctor and nurse (who spoke very little English...as an aside I just have to say how surprised I am at the lack of English spoken there...almost every where we go we get along perfectly fine with English, but in a hospital it is very poor...that just seems strange to me) they decided the best option was to take a blood test.  This seemed very strange to me...what was a blood test going to tell them?  They didn't know what my hormone levels were so how would they know if they were decreasing, etc? This decision combined with thinking it best NOT to call my doctor until they had the results made for a very long, rough night.  An hour and forty-five minutes later as we lay there waiting to hear something besides the screaming baby in the room next to us, my stomach bug was back in full force.  I told Jacob I was going to the bathroom, but barely made it out the door before everything started spinning and I was going down.  I let out a plea for "help" and Jacob grabbed me before I completely passed out.  I was able to make it back to bed and my blood pressure showed it had dropped quite a bit.  They put my bed in a super reclined position to get some blood flow back to my head and thankfully now we had their attention again.  The doctor told me my blood tests looked great and for some stupid reason I had a tiny glimmer of hope that everything was going to be ok.

From here they moved me to a new room, started an IV, took more blood, and talked to a doctor up on the OB floor who was able to do an ultrasound.  I later found out my doctor actually just left the hospital and if they would have just called her right away she could have been there through all of this. When we got up to the OB floor things were so much better...the nurse was so sweet...spoke great English...and was just so calming...it was just what I needed.  The doctor came in and did an exam that showed my cervix was dilated.  And after too many hours of waiting they did the ultrasound that revealed the baby was in fact no longer in my uterus.  The tears started coming strong now as my heart had to finally accept the reality that I'd known for the past few hours...our baby was gone.  For whatever reason I felt like I'd been preparing myself for this reality this entire pregnancy.  I kept having to tell myself that it was real because it never really felt like it.  It was a coping mechanism to try and protect myself from this very scenario...but the thing is, all the "not getting my hopes up too high"...staying cautiously optimistic that everything would be fine...none of it really helped.  There is not really anything you can do to prepare your self for such a loss.  And it is one that only God and time will heal.

For now I'm just going to take things one day at a time.  Cuddle with my amazing little girl. And take comfort in the fact that hopefully our time to grow our family will come...and with a little patience and perseverance...and a whole lot of prayer we will get the joy of holding a sweet little baby in our arms again soon.

I'm leaving you with this amazing song by one of my new favorite artists Katherine Nelson.  It's a beautiful song about a miscarriage and finding the hope to move on...and just turing it all over to God...after all everything we have is truly his! (sorry I know it cuts off at the end...you can always download it on i-tunes if you want :o)  It's really a beautiful song.

Inquiring Minds...

Ok, I know I've been MIA...and you're probably all thinking it's bad news and I just haven't wanted to talk about it...but that's not it at all.  We actually ARE pregnant!!  Can you believe it?  Cause really, I still can't :o)  We are just so amazingly blessed...for IVF to work the first try both with a fresh and a frozen cycle...it's just so awesome!  God is amazing!

We actually stayed in the US an extra week for Jacob's work so I ended up getting to have my blood tests done there...yeah!  My first test on 10/22 was a positive at 20 and my second one on 10/24 was a 62.  We left too early to have the ultrasound done there, but I was able to find a doctor here (recommended by a friend) and got to go in today to see what was happening.  We actually thawed and transferred three embryos so I was sweating a little that there may be multiples, but based on my numbers I was really thinking there was just one special little one in there...and I was right!  Today we saw one perfect little sac.  Because I'm not quite 6 weeks yet we couldn't see/hear the heartbeat or anything yet and we'll be going back for another peak in 2 weeks.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers.  Keep them coming as our new little sweetie continues to grow and develop :o)

EDD: July 3, 2013