Having a miscarriage is one of the worst things I have ever endured...having two about broke me in half, but one of the worst things about losing a baby is that it never really leaves your heart. It basically robs you of the joy of being pregnant in that I'm so scared to get excited at this point I've mostly been trying to pretend I'm not pregnant...how sad is that :o( I don't want to think about names, don't want to day dream about decorating a nursery (my absolute like favorite thing in the world to do!), I don't want to wander past cute baby clothes in the store, don't want to see other baby bumps...it's like going through the pain of infertility all over again, except now I am AM pregnant! It makes me sad. I just want to celebrate and shout it from the roof tops, but my head keeps telling me...don't make a move, let's just wait and see and make sure everything looks ok first.
And tomorrow I will be 7 weeks pregnant...the 7th week was when I had the last miscarriage. And I am feeling more positive about this one...I feel more pregnant than last time...but last time I was completely blindsided when I started bleeding...so how can I not be worried? Because I know it can happen in an instant with no warning at all. Just about every time I go to the bathroom now I am freaking out that there might be some blood and I have a horrible flashback to that gut wrenching night in Belgium when our baby was no longer with us. I don't want to relive that terrible memory ever again, but it's engrained in my heart and keeps mocking me with the uncertainty of the future of our little ones. Every day...I breathe a sigh of relief that we made it through another day...that we are one step closer to completing our family!
I just pray that this is it! That the baby (or babies) in my belly are in it for the long haul and we don't ever have to struggle with infertility again. I know that God is the only one who can see us through this and bring us out on the other side stronger and ready to put the pain to rest.
Countdown to ultrasound: 6 days!!!!
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