And just like that our baby was gone...

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to start this post, my heart is so heavy and my body is so tired.  Last night was quite arguably one of the worst of all time.  It started with a terrible stomach bug and ended with a stay in the hospital and ultimately a miscarriage. It's hard to find the words to describe the wave of sorrow that is coursing through my body right now.  It's hard to understand why after going through so much effort to get pregnant and it actually working that it was all taken away so quickly.  It's  hard to see the plan that God has for us when life feels so unfair some times.  And I know it will get better, we've made it through this before and come out the other end stronger and better, but at this moment I can't seem to figure out how to turn off the tears and how to stop my heart from breaking over and over again.

So here are the details...without being too graphic hopefully.  Yesterday afternoon my stomach started hurting and I knew it was my turn to suffer through the nasty stomach bug Jacob & Autumn had just finished recovering from.  An hour later sure enough terrible stomach pains, throwing up, etc. had taken over my body.  It was such a violent bug...luckily you would get a little reprieve in between hurling sessions where the pain would subside and I could just lay and wait...willing another round not to come.  And since they both already had it, I knew it was quick and by morning all would be well.  With that in mind we did my shots early and I was headed to bed praying for some undisturbed sleep.  I was concerned all the stress this was putting on my body and that it may cause harm to the baby.  I told Jacob about my concern so he could calm my fears as he always does.  But as my words were literally still hanging heavy in the air, I started bleeding.  After saying a prayer and weighing our options we decided it was best to head to the hospital.  I had had some small spotting with Autumn, but this was not like that, this was bright red and it wasn't getting lighter...it was getting heavier.  Thankfully we have amazing friends here and Andi was able to come stay with a sleeping Autumn while we went to see what was going on.

When we got to the hospital of course the sickness was still in full force and I had to rush to the bathroom...trying to hold it together, but failing miserably.  Luckily they took us back to a room quickly...but that was the only thing quick that night.  When I described what was happening to the doctor and nurse (who spoke very little English...as an aside I just have to say how surprised I am at the lack of English spoken there...almost every where we go we get along perfectly fine with English, but in a hospital it is very poor...that just seems strange to me) they decided the best option was to take a blood test.  This seemed very strange to me...what was a blood test going to tell them?  They didn't know what my hormone levels were so how would they know if they were decreasing, etc? This decision combined with thinking it best NOT to call my doctor until they had the results made for a very long, rough night.  An hour and forty-five minutes later as we lay there waiting to hear something besides the screaming baby in the room next to us, my stomach bug was back in full force.  I told Jacob I was going to the bathroom, but barely made it out the door before everything started spinning and I was going down.  I let out a plea for "help" and Jacob grabbed me before I completely passed out.  I was able to make it back to bed and my blood pressure showed it had dropped quite a bit.  They put my bed in a super reclined position to get some blood flow back to my head and thankfully now we had their attention again.  The doctor told me my blood tests looked great and for some stupid reason I had a tiny glimmer of hope that everything was going to be ok.

From here they moved me to a new room, started an IV, took more blood, and talked to a doctor up on the OB floor who was able to do an ultrasound.  I later found out my doctor actually just left the hospital and if they would have just called her right away she could have been there through all of this. When we got up to the OB floor things were so much better...the nurse was so sweet...spoke great English...and was just so calming...it was just what I needed.  The doctor came in and did an exam that showed my cervix was dilated.  And after too many hours of waiting they did the ultrasound that revealed the baby was in fact no longer in my uterus.  The tears started coming strong now as my heart had to finally accept the reality that I'd known for the past few hours...our baby was gone.  For whatever reason I felt like I'd been preparing myself for this reality this entire pregnancy.  I kept having to tell myself that it was real because it never really felt like it.  It was a coping mechanism to try and protect myself from this very scenario...but the thing is, all the "not getting my hopes up too high"...staying cautiously optimistic that everything would be fine...none of it really helped.  There is not really anything you can do to prepare your self for such a loss.  And it is one that only God and time will heal.

For now I'm just going to take things one day at a time.  Cuddle with my amazing little girl. And take comfort in the fact that hopefully our time to grow our family will come...and with a little patience and perseverance...and a whole lot of prayer we will get the joy of holding a sweet little baby in our arms again soon.

I'm leaving you with this amazing song by one of my new favorite artists Katherine Nelson.  It's a beautiful song about a miscarriage and finding the hope to move on...and just turing it all over to God...after all everything we have is truly his! (sorry I know it cuts off at the end...you can always download it on i-tunes if you want :o)  It's really a beautiful song.

Inquiring Minds...

Ok, I know I've been MIA...and you're probably all thinking it's bad news and I just haven't wanted to talk about it...but that's not it at all.  We actually ARE pregnant!!  Can you believe it?  Cause really, I still can't :o)  We are just so amazingly blessed...for IVF to work the first try both with a fresh and a frozen cycle...it's just so awesome!  God is amazing!

We actually stayed in the US an extra week for Jacob's work so I ended up getting to have my blood tests done there...yeah!  My first test on 10/22 was a positive at 20 and my second one on 10/24 was a 62.  We left too early to have the ultrasound done there, but I was able to find a doctor here (recommended by a friend) and got to go in today to see what was happening.  We actually thawed and transferred three embryos so I was sweating a little that there may be multiples, but based on my numbers I was really thinking there was just one special little one in there...and I was right!  Today we saw one perfect little sac.  Because I'm not quite 6 weeks yet we couldn't see/hear the heartbeat or anything yet and we'll be going back for another peak in 2 weeks.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers.  Keep them coming as our new little sweetie continues to grow and develop :o)

EDD: July 3, 2013

We're Back...

Not sure there is any one out there any more reading this, but I did promise I would come back when we were trying for number 2 and here we are!! For those that don't know we are currently residing in Brussels, Belgium (likely until next summer, but that is still up in the air) and that is the main reason it took us so long to get here. And as if fertility treatments aren't difficult enough on their own, we decided to add in the lovely factor that our embryos are on a different continent than we are...ugh! So needless to say, my already fried nerves are totally charred at this point and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

I've been communicating with our coordinator at SIRM for the last month or so and with much trepidation decided to do a medicated Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I had been planning to go with the natural FET because my cycles are like clockwork and you know...why stick yourself with a bunch of needles if you don't have to...right? Well, since we're traveling all the way home for this and want to limit our time apart we just decided it best to do the medicated and have everything planned out to a "T" ahead of time. So I'm on birth control now...and my first shot of Lupron and Dexamethason pill will be on September 21st...one week before we head home.

I made an appointment with an RE here so I could get a fluid ultrasound and some blood work done to make sure all systems were go for October :o)  We visited him on Tuesday and the good news is everything looks good...no polyps or anything (phew, I was kinda worried since I've had several removed in the past)...the bad news is, Jacob may have to sell a kidney to pay for the visit...WOW!! I thought medical care in Europe was cheap! I'm not sure if we were taken or what, but he slammed us with a whopper of a bill that had us seeing stars and praying that we will not have to undergo any further tests or treatments at that office! I was planning to use this office for my post-transfer care, but now I think we're going with plan B...a regular OBGYN.  My friend recommended a great one and we'll probably still use her, but when I called the office today I went round and round with the receptionist trying to explain that I needed blood work and an early ultrasound done after having an IVF cycle in the US.  The way they do it in the US is on day 12 and 14 past transfer you get blood work drawn to read your HCG levels and ensure they are doubling prior to giving you the *hopefully* good news that you are expecting.  And then you have an early ultrasound to check for implantation and number of babies.  Then, atleast at SIRM, they do another ultrasound a week or so later to see (and possibly hear) the heartbeat....once they at least see the heartbeat you are released...and considered "normal." Ha...like anyone is "normal" after going through infertility.  But it sounds like unless I go back to the really hard to get to and really expensive Infertility clinic, I'm going to have to do it all the "normal" way...and I really don't want to...sigh :o( I know it sounds silly and I know I'm being irrational, but I want some special treatment...I want the blood tests as early as possible...and I want more than one...reassuring me that my numbers are increasing just as they are supposed to...and I want the early ultrasound that confirms the blood tests were accurate...and I want another one a week later where we can see a heartbeat...I want it all just like I had it the first time around! And I'm really frustrated to be going through all this here when none of these doctors (or at least their office staff) seems to understand how difficult suffering from infertility is! I truly miss having one office, one doctor, one nursing staff to deal with. Having to go over and over all of this and no one here understanding (because it's done so differently here) is just so frustrating! Ugh! Man, it feels good to get that off my chest!

But when it comes down to it...what I want more than anything is more children...siblings for Autumn...another little one to hold in my arms in the not so distant future.  So although the road looks like it might be a tough one, we'll find a way to get through it and hopefully will have good news to share in a few short months!

Countdown to first shot: 22 days